Loneliness in the adventure

What a weekend, the ceasefire in Israel and Palestine has begun. The footage over the last few days has both displayed the horror of war and the joy of a peaceful pause. It was wonderful seeing people, once taken into captivity, now free. Like many of you no doubt, I wept as I saw footage of these women greeting their families and friends, and aid trucks being let into Gaza. At the same time my heart sank as people trekked back towards their destroyed homes and neighbourhoods. So often situations are complex, and we carry joy and sadness, love and hate, elation and anger all in the one breath.

I’ve been noticing a juxtaposition amongst pioneers. On the one hand we are on a glorious adventure, breaking new ground and discovering the depths of God’s love for our communities, yet on the other, so often we don’t have a church family to go on the initial journey with. Pioneers are often the ones sent to the new ground to break new territory in God’s kingdom, and especially at the beginning it can be incredibly lonely. Should it be this way?

We watched ‘Hidden figures’ the other weekend as a family. It’s a film about black women in the NASA program in the 1960s, this is pioneering territory. One woman, Katherine Johnson, was noticed for her mathematics capabilities and was invited to join the core team of white men working on the mathematics of the space launch. She had to drink from a different kettle, walk a long way just to use the black women’s toilet and correct men’s work that they believed couldn’t be corrected. She was the only black women in the room, she was pioneering, but no doubt it was lonely at times. Each woman had a different story, but at one point or another they all had to step out on their own to pioneer a new way forward. There is arguably always going to be a sense of loneliness when things are not what they should be and God asks us to step out and pioneer a new way forward.

However, once Jesus was baptised and his ministry had begun, his first task was to find friends to do it with and when he sent his friends out to follow in his footsteps, he sent them out in pairs. Should we be pioneers on our own at the beginning, or do we need to gather a small team or even a co-worker to be with in ministry? Often the aim is to create this from scratch from within our context - it's very doable, but it takes time and the cost of this can be loneliness and bad mental health. We need to keep asking questions about how we do ministry, and why.

What do we do when those lonely moments creep in before a team is built, or the green shoots of Church or community are beginning? There are the usual answers to the question like: spend more time with your friends and family from outside your context, or, join a club to meet people. But what about the spirituality of what’s going on? With all the emotions I can have someone once suggested that I sit with the emotion and allow God to be with me in it. Asking the question, “God where are you?” I’m still on a journey with this one, but as I’ve explored this process, I’ve found Jesus sat with me in the pain that loneliness can bring. Jesus in the messiness (as Rowan Williams likes to write about).

There’s comfort in knowing that spiritually we are not alone in the messiness and there’s comfort in a saviour who, as he died, asked “Father where are you?” This is not an act of spiralling emotions, but an acceptance that loneliness is real and that we can be with God in the midst of it. (if you find yourself spiralling please reach out to someone for help).

I’ve also found God in the strength and resilience that loneliness can bring as it requires me to press into Jesus, to prioritise prayer and worship, to seek his face. Which inevitably reminds me of the calling God has given me to my context. It’s in this space that I think we can begin to discern if the calling is still there or if it’s time to move on. Being lonely in ministry shouldn’t last too long at a time, our wellbeing is important. Sometimes the age-old perseverance argument doesn’t cut the mustard and it’s time to find hope elsewhere. Only you and the people you trust with your spiritual direction will know that moment. It’s incredibly brave and wise to acknowledge when that moment has arrived. But if the discernment results in perseverance, do you know what you need to keep you going spiritually? For me it is singing worship songs and having something tangible and visible in my house that reminds me of my initial calling - it was once a feather, then an ear of corn and now it’s a photo of a beautifully kept walled garden. These were all prophetic images God gave me at the beginning of each ministry. What reminds you of who God is, who you are, and your call to your context?

Pioneers may look like they are on an exciting adventure, but one of the costs can be loneliness. We can of course do practical things like gather together in Hubs, go see trusted friends and family, join a club, all helpful things, but I think there’s also a spiritual side where we can call on God who knows what it’s like to feel lonely and can sit in the messiness of our calling with us.

Jo Allen

Director South West